The Adventman
Docs Detective Agency
291087 Crown Royal Street
Sector 9, Area 18, ArcTech
27.10.2951
File # 100011102
For Office Use Only
The Adventman
It was just another sleezy day on ArcCorp, full of foreboding and melancholy. The sultry air was thick with a steamy fog drifting up from the vents of the unmentionable streets below, like the disappointing let down of leftover, reheated meatloaf dinner on a Sunday night, lost in the ranks of lower tiered citizenry.
I was walking along the promenade of ArcCorp, in the company of a few other low level corporate drones, and we were heading towards a local bar.
The Adventman.
That was what I was calling him in my head.
ArcCorp was a place where I didn’t belong. I was just another corporate drone, working for some faceless conglomerate in the hopes of getting promoted, but never having a chance to stand out. This was a place where i felt anxious and jumpy all at once. Where no amount of alcohol could damper the feeling of dredd that was building up in my system . But this was also a place where I felt safe, a place where I knew I would always be welcome.
Today was different. Today was not the same as every other day. Today was the first day I had ever been in The Adventman’s sights.
I felt like I was being watched. It was as if someone was standing right next to me, staring at my every move. I could feel it, like a cold hand on my shoulder.
The Adventman was a man who I knew I could not find, but I also knew I could not avoid.
I was paranoid.
I walked along the promenade and reflected on my scummy surroundings. The smells of roasting critter kababs teased the senses like a sprunging aardvark in a pile of coffee grounds. My stomach growled in response, but I ignored it.
I looked up, and there it was again. The specter of the Adventman, there, watching me, as if he knew exactly where I was.
I looked away quickly.
And that is when i saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the figure of a grundely, murderous, tea drinker with ugly eyebrows and pointy elbows.
He was walking along the side of the road, wearing a trench coat and carrying a large bag.
It was “The Adventman”. An unsightly, unpredictable threat to existence, like an alcoholic tasseled woebegone.
The Adventman stopped at a street corner and put down his bag. He took a sip of tea from a small flask and looked up and down the street. He took a sip of his tea and a deep breath and looked around, as if he were about to embark on a mission of some sort. He took another sip and nodded.
He took a third sip and turned back to the road. He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. He closed his mouth and looked at me, cocked his head and he then continued to walk down the road.
After a series of gruesome and mysterious murders in space, the Adventman has left the people in fear. Accompanied by a rogue AI and with his cyborg capabilities, He travels the dark corners of space, feeding on colonies, looking for unsuspecting prey and leaving a trail of gruesom murder behind him.
The Adventman’s reputation is legendary. He is feared by the galaxy. He is the most dangerous person you can ever hope to meet.
It was said that he ate an entire colony of Banu, feasting on a different family on each consecutive day of advent during the winter of 2949. This earned him the name “The Adventman” and sealed his reputation as a monster.
The Adventman’s legend was told in the campfire, in the tavern and in the bars. His tales were re-enacted and retold, like a horror movie starring a serial killer.
His name passed around the fire at night, his stories re-enacted and his grisly methods recounted, like a scary thriller written by the devil himself.
The stuff you tell children to scare them to bed at night and the things you tell your wife to scare them in the morning.
I gulped a chug of whisky from my mobbi flask and fingered my Coda lovingly, like a first date in tight pants on a dark night.
I was not ready for The Adventman. I was not prepared for The Adventman.
I took another swig of the whiskey and began to follow. I followed the Adventman. He was heading towards a small, dingy diner.
I followed him, taking a swig of whiskey every few steps.
The diner was a hole in the wall, with a dirty, cracked window. The windows were boarded up, like they were trying to keep the outside world out. The inside was dim, with only a flickering fluorescent light and the sounds of a couple arguing over the jukebox.
The smell of roasting critter flesh was strong in the air, like a rotting sewer in the back of a junkyard. I could still smell that aroma in my head, like a bad shawarma that had been left to marinate in the sun for too long. It was haunting.
The Adventman grinned like a wolf, revealing rows of sharp, yellowed teeth. He spoke in a low, gravely voice like a sickly sweet wine, “Come closer my delectable friend, I’m famished. I’m thinking a nice, juicy, steak tartar on a pretzel bun, with a side of extra crispy Critter balls. I could really go for some sweet tea to wash it all down, I’m thinking Lipton”.
I was not going to be the one to fall for his little trick. I followed him inside.
I gulped down the mouthful of whiskey and entered the diner.
The place smelled of grease and tasted of blood in the back of my throat, i didn’t care.
This would be a great, a epic story, i thought to himself. i could tell it to the boys at the bar and make them all think i was cool. This was, and is going to be my best story yet. I raised the flask to my lips, still fingering my shinny coda.
“Who’s gonna tell them?” I said to myself.
“You’re kidding, right?” I said to myself.
“I’m not kidding”
“I’ve got this one”, I thought to myself.
we were both standing there, just looking at each other, like two rabid, mangy dogs, licking their balls and doing the Gangnam Macarena at a very shameful Festivus pace, with metal folktronica playing in the background and two evil piss weeds drinking to the beat. It was a very dark moment in time, like the twilight zone or something. and then it got awkward…
His face cracked into a smile and his teeth were revealed to be stained with blood.
As I stepped closer, I could see the bloodshot rays of hunger in the Adventmans eyes. Then a look of disappointment, like a kid who’d been promised dinner and had been forced to share a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a sibling instead, replaced any glee that may have been there.
The Adventman took a step back and bared his pointy teeth. The Adventman looked ready to rip my legs off.
He would have too, if it wasn’t for a human shield that showed up in front of me at the right moment.
“Oh, hey buddy”, I said.
And like, to my credit, i had been prepared for this, because I had been practicing in my spare time, practicing my best line of dialogue. I had practiced it for days on end.
I had been practicing with a few of the other detectives on the squad. And i knew what i needed to do.
“Hey, buddy,” I said.
So, instead of cowering in fear and begging for my life, I looked The Adventman right in his pointy eyeballs and said, “Why so many?”
He looked confused, “What…why…what…”.
“Just wondering ?”.
The Adventman paused for a moment, his face like a mask of rage and sorrow. Then he spoke. His voice like a rusty hinge, “They’re multiplying”.
Then, in a moment of clarity, he added, “and nobody seems to have the stomach to deal with them. No pun intended! That just doesn’t seem right.”
I nodded.
“I’ll take care of it”, I said.
I stared back, even more annoyed and still fingering my sexy coda.
Your Dastardly Days are over, you calendar killing, son of a spotted Stanton eel,” I thought quietly to myself.
Suddenly, his fragile ugly eyebrow trembled with an explosion of ichor, his pointy elbows flying back, he let out an agonising groan and collapsed backwards onto the ground.
I looked down at the dead man before me and shrugged.
A Mid Size hole the size of a coda bullet neatly stickered to his forehead, Moments later The Adventman drew his last breath after a succesful labotomy with the coda.
“Well, that was fun”, I said.
I returned my Coda to her place of love at my side with a fancy flourish of fucking fast finger work, caressing her curves with the gentlest of touches.
I walked whistling to the nearest bar and ordered a whisky.
“So, how did you like the show,”
I couldn’t help but feel like a bit of a hero.
It’s been quite the week for me.
So far, I’ve shot two guys, got a promotion, found out my wife has been unfaithful with one of the other detectives and been named the next detective in training on the murder team.
That last part kinda makes me gag.
But it is what it is.
All in all, I don’t regret much of anything that’s happened this week…..
The End…
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